#GODLOVESTRANS↓

This morning I was watching Pastor June Joplin’s most recent YouTube update on her life and ministry and she mentioned that there are transgender people who are Christian, sometimes to the shock and dismay of others

She, as a transgender woman, is also a pastor who publicly came out in a message and in short order was fired from her church. Thankfully she found an amazing opportunity to minister again through MCC-Toronto.

Going back to that idea of being both transgender and christian. There are a lot of people, and I mean A LOT of people, who believe that ne’er the twain shall meet. In other words, you cannot be both transgender and also be a christian in their mind. These are the same people that have such a small box for their god that they have already ruled that anyone who falls into the spectrum of being LGBTQ+ is obviously “lost” and their souls are endangered.

For me, growing up with a religious background, this worried me. When I found personal faith as an 18 year old college student I hoped that faith would not only save me but also “fix” me or “heal” me of what I had assumed was a perversion or sin. Those ideas weren’t natural, they were sadly forced upon into my mind through years of evangelical preaching and teaching.

I’ll be honest, I really thought in order for me to be transgender I would have to totally kick my faith to the curb. Be it the catholic church I grew up in, or the baptist church I found myself in later in life; I didn’t see where christian faith and being transgender could ever survive. It probably didn’t help that the few times I came across someone who was transgender while growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, usually in the media, they weren’t presented in a way that proclaimed “God loves me as I am.” Honestly, it was usually because they were taught that God hates them.

When I was in seminary in the mid 90’s I was finding my way around the growing World Wide Web and as a result exploring things that I had thought and felt most of my growing years. That is also when I discovered a new to me term, it was “transgender.” That one made a lot more sense to me than the terms I heard growing up. One was “transsexual” which made me think that that who I was all about who I wanted to sleep with. The other was “transvestite” which I heard as a kid in the early and mid 1970’s and even to my unknowing ears it sounded derogatory at best.

But transgender, that made sense to me.

Gender being the societal norms of male and female that we were taught and ingrained in us. In elementary school the boys played here and the girls played there. In middle school the boys played football and the girls did cheer or dance, maybe volleyball. In high school the boys had their locker room and the girls had theirs. And of course there was always those dress codes which seemed to favor keeping the boys and their raging hormones under control at the expense of the comfort of the girls.

I didn’t have to do much research back then to realize that transgender is what I was, it is who I am. When I did my first round of gender therapy online in 2019 it was only confirmed, along with gender dysphoria. I wish I could say I accepted myself at that time, but it was still a work in progress that I’m still working on.

Around the same time, in the mid 90’s, when I discovered what being transgender meant I began to explore the idea of being trans and also being a christian. Could I really follow the Jesus who I trusted when I was 18 and still be transgender? Could God love me if I would eventually pursue transition or would I have to keep that side of me stuffed in a closet and pray that it never comes out? Thankfully I found my answer through Yahoo Groups.

Oh, I’m so dating myself here, aren’t I? Some of us remember the Yahoo Groups, set up similar to groups you find on Facebook now, except it was through the Yahoo web service. It was in Yahoo Groups I found a group called “Transgender Christians”, organized by a woman who is trans herself, but also actively involved in her local church…an evangelical church if I recall correctly of all places! I recently messaged her to thank her for that early work she did because it might have helped save my life more than once.

Over the next 15-20 years I would find myself entering and exiting that group as I tried to accept myself as transgender and then allow guilt and shame to lead me to a purge of those things that helped me find wholeness. And every time I went back in, there was a sense of acceptance by those who like me struggled to reconcile to the two, but hung on to faith none the less. Isn’t that what a church should be like any way? We come together, unite with our struggles and find someone in common that builds our faith.

Could I really follow the Jesus who I trusted when I was 18 and still be transgender? Could God love me if I would eventually pursue transition or would I have to keep that side of me stuffed in a closet and pray that it never comes out?

I’ll be honest, if it weren’t for the deconstruction of my strong evangelical, borderline calvinist views of faith, I might not be where I am today in terms of self acceptance. I hated myself for being transgender and didn’t see how I can truly call myself a “christian” by letting that “sin of being transgender” define me. But once those theological blinders came off and grace became more of a reality to me, I rediscovered a faith that is stronger today than ever.

I am Danielle Grace, and I am a transgender woman and I am a follower of Jesus. Accepting myself as the previous has grown me in the latter. And while others might doubt my salvation and condemn me to the “hell” they have created in their minds, I know who I am. And it is in that faith I believe the words I read in Romans 8:37-39 to be true:

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (NIV)

My hope and my faith is built on that love that says God loves me so much that They were willing to wrap Themselves in flesh and die for me!

Can you be transgender and be a christian? Absolutely!

Last night I watched Pray Away, a documentary which thouroughly examined the history of a popular conversion therapy ministry.

The film follows several figures and their lives/involvement with the ministry and others like it. This isn't a film review or analysis, and will contain no spoilers and little direct reference. I can't begin to describe how closely I related to almost every person involved, including the hurt and humiliation associated with such toxic so called theology that does untold harm regardless of misguided intentions. I believed for many years that I was under what I perceived as being God's righteous judgement as due punishment for dabbling in my true authentic self. I truly thought that my divorce, depression, and other various struggles in life were a direct result of both exploring my gender identity and openly affirming lgbtq people. I was convinced that the only remedy was to run in the opposite direction, and embrace the image of masculinity I had been told would save me. It's a good thing I never got involved in a group like Exodus, as I can only imagine the self hate and damage I would have continued to wreak upon myself bit possibly others.

Instead I retreated into an internal crusade of self hate mostly from a distance. I would listen to transphobic, anti gay sermons and truly believed it made me more holy. As someone who began their faith journey as a liberal sixteen year old, I slowly descended into a more fundamentalist, less inclusive mindset which I perceived as truth. Anyone who disagreed was heretical and enslaved to the world.

I say with deep shame and a sincere universal policy that I found myself becoming angry when I saw gay couples or anyone displaying even the slightest hint of gender non-conformity. If a queer person was featured on a tv show, I would storm out of the room.

Thankfully my former church never organized any kind of conversion therapy groups that I know of. Still, you heard the same ideas and hurtful comments thrown around occasionally in studies and sermons. There was this sense of urgency to protect what they saw as traditional biblical families. I myself was convinced that if I was able to start a new family, allbeit blended, that all of these things I think I needed and wanted would fall into place. I nearly made that mistake, having an engagement fall to pieces shortly before I came to peace with the truth that my God given identity were a gift to be embraced. Until then, I was convinced that being trans and queer was a sinful side of me that needed to be repressed and avoided just as much as my drinking.

However, unlike my alcoholism, being LGBTQ wasn't sinful or self destructive. Instead, denying that truth did untold harm to my mental health and capacity to love and care for others.

In early 2020 I stopped believing I was inherently wicked and as a result of this toxic theology assumed my faith was just as dead as my birth name. I was astonished at how wrong I was. Queer people of faith came out of the woodwork to support me. I met so many believing trans people through a church fb group, many of which came from a similar spiritual background. I had no idea how many queer people identified as Christians, nor how many straight, cis believers were out there enthusiastically offering their kindness and affirmations. I learned about how certain scriptures have been mistranslated, misinterpreted, and misused throughout the years, and the new wave of inclusion sweeping churches of various denominations.

My faith, far from dead, is being renewed daily by a loving God who has purpose for my life in the authentic way it was meant to be lived.

I've had the opportunity to help out with worship music and have been interviewed by churches working towards inclusion. Beyond ministry opportunities I've been blessed with rich, meaningful fellowship with others on a similar path.

I really don't know what more I could say about this film, other than it was incredibly powerful and at times hard to watch. I believe everyone should see it, whether they identify as LGBTQ, Christian, both, or anywhere in between. It's important to understand how harmful and in some instances even deadly this type of practice is, no matter how loving and kindhearted it's portrayed to be. It would be incredibly difficult for anyone to remain skeptical about the damage done by these kinds of programs after watching this film. Conversion therapy is a lie from the pit of hell, one which continues to manifest itself across churches and individuals without regard for the needless suffering it produces.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
suicidepreventionlifeline.org
800-273-8255

The Trevor Project
freedhearts.org

Superfluous

ADJECTIVE
Something that is superfluous is unnecessary or is no longer needed.

"My presence at the afternoon's proceedings was superfluous."

Born almost sixty years ago into the body of a stranger named Diane, I spent a lot of time presenting and pretending to be female. It was exhausting and unnatural, though looking back I may have deserved an Emmy.

I can hear the announcer bellowing my award:

"For his role as Diane, the Emmy goes to Declan DeWitt Hall!"

The crowd cheers and I cry inside.

As we get older we're taught that pretending is supposed to be tossed to the side. Well, let me tell you my pile of pretending was pretty high.

Just for fun let's call my gender identity "deckles." Diane was bursting from the seams with deckles. I was like a wet dog shaking off and everyone was getting splashed with deckles. Oddly, no one admitted to noticing. They enabled my pretense despite being soaked by my deckleness. To this day many people who have known me my whole life would say they never saw my transitioning coming. They refuse to see Declan.

People only see what they want to see or what we permit them to see.

Little did I know twelve years ago that was all about to change when I met my beloved Suzanne in church. She saw ME.

An odd thing happens when someone loves you so much they only want what is best for you; you are free to be fully and totally you. Declan still hides behind Diane some days but that's because of the world outside our home.

I am on a journey as we all are. It's called becoming.

We were all loved into being by the Divine, and then watered and grown through more love.

Diane is becoming superfluous, which opens the door for Declan to be supercalifragilistic. May you meet people who see you, welcome you, and encourage you to be fully your supercalifragilistic amazing self!

When I launched this project back in February, we were just shy of a year into COVID-19 lockdown. One month shy, in fact. We have lost so much, and so many since then.

words fail.

It is not easy for anyone in the whole world right now.

Against a backdrop of our world careening toward just about every imaginable calamity, a centering of ourselves and our conerns (that is, the experiene of trans people of faith) seems somehow inappropriate, perhaps. But then we really don't have the choice do we? It's not like we can wake up in the morning and just wish our trans away.

This is who we are, our experience of the world around us. Even of a world falling to pieces, it is our own experience and though every journey is unique, there is so very much we have in common.

What we go through is worth talking about, especially as people of faith. The world will tell you, especially if you come from a conservative evangelical background, that you are broken, that you are standing at a distance from God, by acquiescing to the nature they gave you, and that you have to choose between being who you are, and being loved by God. That you have to choose between mental health and spiritual health.

If this batch of articles has a theme, it is this: you don't have to choose.

" Marginalized identities, to survive, have to get in touch with their divinity to survive, they have to say: "I'm worth staying around, I'm worth keeping around, I'm worth living" and to be able to say that to yourself as a marginalized identity, when the world is telling you that you're not worth anything ... you have to come to finding worth within because the world will tell you the worth is not inside so you have to find it and you won't find it out there " Jo Luehman GracePointe Church 8/15/21

It is a mater of survival, or at least I can say in my own experience it has decidedly been so. Jo's talk was brilliant, I cannot recommend enough, giving yourself 20 minutes or so to watch it. In the talk, she draws a parallel between the leaves of Adam and Eve hiding themselves from God in the book of Genesis to those "leaves" we cover our insecurities with in every day life ... and she advises to burn them.

Burn the leaves.

what a beautiful metaphor ... and one to which I'd wager nearly every trans person can relate all too well.

Friends, as we walk this path of transition, know that God (however you perceive them) is for you, is with you, and is in you. I hope you find this batch of articles a comfort on your journey.

Until next time, I want to leave you with a poem of sorts that I wrote in a difficult moment, world seemingly crashing down around me, one very stressed and dysphoric evening in early July:

Transition is a fire, clearing the way for the most durable tree in the forest to bloom and grow without limit. The part of you that remains is the part of you that cannot be destroyed. That soul in you that always was, and always will be. The now burnt forest in you, is what any passing tourist would have said that you were before because in those moments, to them ... you actually were. When they paused in awe, your majestic oaks, the flocks of birds in your branches, the moss and the dandelions and the flowers, you heard them and you believed them. Though you knew it wasn’t the best part of you — the most durable part — it was beautiful. And you wanted that for yourself. So, now that it’s all gone to ash. There is the now present, and forever longed for beauty of unfettered life. And there is grief for the lost illusions. And there is the constant learning and relearning. “I was never the forest I was the strongest tree in it” July 1, 2021